Mediation is a voluntary, assisted negotiation where decisions are made by the participants. “If the participants don’t decide, it’s not mediation!” 

Mediation is conducted by a mediator who works to help participants negotiate and come to a resolution regarding specific concerns.

Mediation is focused on moving forward, not looking back: what can participants agree to do right now to resolve past concerns? What agreements can participants make about future actions each will take?

Yes, mediation is confidential for all participants, though mediators are required to report allegations of child abuse, abuse of a dependent adult, or threats of violence.

Confidentiality is key to mediation! It opens the door to honest communication. Your mediator can’t be asked to testify in court about mediation, mediations can’t be recorded, and mediation participants may not share what happened in mediation. The wonderful thing about this is that you can speak freely. Remember, if you don’t feel comfortable meeting in the same room with other participants, you can choose to be in your own room. You can also choose what you do and don’t want shared with other participants. Honesty is a powerful ingredient for creating lasting agreements.

Yes, mediation is voluntary. Even if a court requires you to mediate, you do not have to come to an agreement in mediation. The mediator or any other participant may choose to end mediation at any time. If you’re considering this option, take a moment to think about your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement): what will you do if mediation fails to result in an agreement? If you’d like more help thinking through your options, you might want to talk to a mediator or conflict coach before mediation. I offer this service: contact me to set up a session.

No! Mediation is YOUR process. This point is critical! “If the participants don’t decide, it’s not mediation!” While mediation is sometimes mandated by a court, it is not a legal proceeding! In a court, you have little decision-making power. The work is done by the attorneys and judges and the decisions are made by the judge. In contrast, mediation allows you to make informed and voluntary decisions. Mediation is your work to do. Any solutions or agreements reached will also be yours.

No, mediation is NOT court. Though you can produce evidence during mediation, the mediator, who is ethically bound not to give legal advice, will not evaluate evidence on its legal merits or decide who is guilty. Instead, a mediator is focused on facilitating a negotiation between you and the other party. Any agreements that emerge from the process will be based on these negotiations. Typically, you will likely not leave mediation having “won” everything.

Of course, legal proceedings also have limitations. At trial, you may submit evidence, but the judge chooses how to weigh this evidence. The judge may make a determination about guilt, but it may not go the way you expected, or may not resolve your underlying concerns. In general, you have little control over the outcome of a court proceeding. And because legal proceedings often become win-lose situations, if you’re not the winner, then you’re the loser. Finally, court proceedings can become very costly both financially and emotionally.

Depending on the complexity of the issues at hand, and the willingness of participants to negotiate, mediation can range from a few hours to a full day. Sometimes, mediation takes place over several short sessions spread across a period of a few weeks or months.

Mediation should be conducted in a location everyone is comfortable with. You might decide you will be more comfortable in your own room, separate from the other party. Many mediators conduct online mediations, making it simple for each party to remain in separate virtual rooms. The mediator conducts the mediation by speaking with each party in turn and communicating the questions or options being offered to the other party, and vice-versa. If you’re meeting in separate rooms from other parties, you can always tell the mediator if there’s anything you’ve said that you don’t want shared with others.

You may bring one support person with you. If you bring an attorney, that person is your support person. If you want to bring along an additional person, check with your mediator first. Please keep in mind that all participants will be required to sign an Agreement to Mediate (ATM) to preserve the integrity and confidentiality of the process.

Regardless of what brings you to mediation, you should expect the process to be run professionally, ethically, and fairly by your mediator. Your mediator should disclose any conflicts of interest before starting mediation. Your mediator should manage the flow and topics of conversation, ask questions to gain an understanding of your interests and values, and help you generate and evaluate options. Your mediator should not make decisions for you!

I believe the best mediator is omnipartial (partial to all). You might wonder why it wouldn’t be better to have a neutral mediator. Here’s the thing: true neutrality very likely just isn’t possible for human beings, and isn’t even desirable in mediation. Why? For one thing, If a mediator starts from a position of supposed “neutrality,” the mediator may assume her own thoughts and actions are actually neutral. That assumption is dangerous! Also, impartiality implies a certain distancing of oneself from the people in conflict, an emotional removal, almost a dehumanization of the process, when it seems what is called for is a re-humanization. Being omnipartial means that the mediator seeks to fully understand all persons (omni) by temporarily inhabiting each of their perspectives (partial), not because the mediator agrees with their perspectives, but because that is the best path to true understanding. Inhabiting the parties’ perspectives is in itself an important bias reduction strategy. It’s worth repeating: understanding people does not mean we agree with them. The ability to view the conflict from different perspectives works for, not against, the mediation. It is my belief that the greatest powers of mediation are unlocked when a mediator is omnipartial.

Often, if there is an attorney present for mediation, he or she will draft a legal agreement and parties may choose to sign that agreement at the end of mediation. If participants come to an agreement and do not have an attorney present, the mediator should offer to write up that agreement and provide it to all parties as a Memorandum of Understanding. Participants may give this memorandum to an attorney to help prepare a legal document; they may also self-file documents.

What are your qualifications to mediate? Are you rostered or registered with an organization that certifies your qualifications?

Why did you become a mediator?

Do you abide by a code of ethics? What are your most important ethical principles?

What is your style of mediation? Is your style more directive, facilitative, or something else?

If you think one party is demanding too much, what is your approach? If you think one party is giving up too much, what is your approach?

Do you provide a written Memorandum of Understanding at the conclusion of mediation?

Can you arrange for me to be in my own room (with a support person if desired) during mediation?

If it’s late in the day and attorneys are telling you to just get an agreement, how would you respond?

What does the phrase: “participants make their own decisions” mean to you?

As a mediator, what’s most important to you at the end of the day?

When you hire me, you can expect the whole package: I bring patience, persistence, deep empathy, strong analytical thinking, and honest questions to the table to help you navigate the complex emotions and thorny issues that have brought you to mediation. Life has taught me a deep respect for individual differences. I won’t pretend you don’t have emotions. I won’t pretend you don’t have the ability to think for yourself.

I also bring another vital skill to your mediation: the intentional effort to see you as a whole person. I know I will not understand you and your whole life in ten minutes! Rather, I acknowledge your story didn’t start today. You have an entire past that I can’t fully know. I am honored to be present in your life during what may be a challenging time for you, and I commit to respecting you and your experiences. I listen with my head and my heart so I can fully understand both the practical issues you are trying to address and the values you are working to express.

You can also expect deep education and experience when you hire me. I have mediated all types of family cases including divorce, guardianship, custody, and parentage matters. I have also mediated community cases of all types including business, contracts, insurance, landlord-tenant, and neighborhood matters. After earning BA and MA degrees from Yale University, I went on to earn a Graduate Certificate in Conflict Resolution from the University of Utah. I am currently rostered in the state of Utah to conduct all types of mediation. Before working as a mediator, I spent time in public and higher education. I have also worked as a case manager, grant writer, and conflict resolution instructor for Utah Dispute Resolution.

When you hire me, you can expect an ethical, honest, and fair mediator. You can expect that I will work efficiently and honor your time. You can also expect me to take enough time to make sure that agreements you reach are fully understood and acceptable to all. When you hire me, you can expect an educated and experienced professional who will skillfully help you navigate your concerns and make your own informed decisions.

The picture and the person in it (me) are both real! It was taken at Glacier National Park in September 2019.